Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
