I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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