Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's shark week go big or go home
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
there is glitter all over my balls
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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