White coat. Heels.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
