Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
