a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
