Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
