i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
