I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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