bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
