I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i barfeds in our rink
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
