You just made me feel so damn special
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
