I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
