mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
