I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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