I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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