Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
