I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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