FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We need a shit load of segways right now
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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