it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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