To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Im part way to drunk.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
