I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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