He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
