Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
