Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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