shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
