i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
