So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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