her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
