Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
