i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
