Acid is not a monday night drug
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
