my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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