Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
