no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
