I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
