Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
