cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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