oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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