I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
