It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
