if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
