The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize