and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
