I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
