So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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