Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
