never play flip cup with pint glasses
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
