It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
