I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
