So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
