So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
