He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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