you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
