but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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