I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dignity is for republicans.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
